You are allowed to be angry. You just have to express it in a healthy way. Being angry isn't healthy.
I think a lot of people confuse anger with laziness or being lazy. Anger is a natural part of our lives. A feeling, like sadness, pain, or joy. Anger is an emotion and a reaction to feeling things. When you experience something bad happen to you, when you see something you're upset about happen, you react. When you try to cope with something that makes you feel sad you react. We are all reacting in different ways and the same goes for everyone. There is nothing wrong with trying to deal with things that makes you sad.
We all have feelings. Feelings that aren't good for us. Feelings that are dangerous and unhealthy. Anger is dangerous especially when it comes to situations like these. Anger can cause us to become violent, destructive, or abusive. Emotions that are used against others can make people do terrible things, or turn them into monsters. Anger can also lead to depression and suicidal thoughts. Anger can also cause depression or suicide. These feelings can change you. And when you become depressed you are not only changing but also damaging yourself. It's not safe.
This is what I tried to write. Anger can bring us down and make us feel worthless. It can make us forget our happiness or our love and love can be lost. This is a dangerous thing to do.
Please don' feel bad if it hurts.
It won't help you move on.
But please know this.
That feeling of anger can make us do horrible things.
Don't let it consume you.
Don't let the anger take away your happiness.
Let your feelings of anger go.
They don't make you weak or any less strong.
They make you stronger.
They make you brave.
It takes a lot of strength to fight back against anger.
To not allow it to affect you.
To overcome it.
Anger makes you vulnerable.
It makes you afraid.
It makes you vulnerable.
Anger is a very powerful force in society. It's why violence and abuse are prevalent. It's why people tend to use violence against themselves and others and it's why we all need to work together to protect and defend each other.
So if you're angry don't keep it inside. Do something about it. Don't just ignore it. Get angry at someone and don't hold it in. If you don't get angry with someone then you won't be able to heal. You can't let anyone else hurt you, hurt yourself.
If you don't get angry then you're going to feel trapped. If you don't feel trapped then you're probably not capable of dealing with it. If you don't have power over how you feel then you might end up hurting yourself.
If you don't get angry then you won't be able to save yourself.
There are lots of reasons for anger and aggression. Many people use it because they're afraid. People who use it use it because they're angry and insecure. People who use it use it because they don't like themselves. Anger isn't a disease. Angry people don't have to be ashamed. They aren't sick. People who use anger don't have to suffer from depression. People who use anger don't have to spend money on medication. People who use anger don't have to drink alcohol.
Anger doesn't make you weak.
Anger doesn't make you useless.
Anger is not a sickness.
Anger is not evil.
Anger is a choice.
Anger is not wrong.
Anger is freedom.
Anger is hope.
Anger is justice.
Anger is courage.
Anger is peace.
Anger is beauty.
Anger is hope.
Anger is joy.
Anger is laughter.
Anger is life.
"I'm angry. And I hate myself." I remember saying those words one day while sitting next to my brother. He was sleeping soundly. His face was peaceful and he looked as though he was completely relaxed. His breathing was calm and even. He had a small smile on his face.
My heart ached seeing him like this. My heart ached because he looked so young. He was only nineteen years old. Yet, he looked so much older. So much wiser. He always made me feel so confident about everything. He never judged me. He always encouraged me. He was always there to give me advice whenever I needed it. Whenever I struggled with anything. When I started drinking. When I stopped taking my meds. When I got mad at him. When I cried myself to sleep at night. I couldn't imagine a happier person. But now he was gone. Everything felt empty. Like an emptiness that filled me with a hollow feeling. I wanted him to come back and to fill that emptiness. I wanted him to hug me. To tell me everything was okay. I wanted to see his smile again.
After a few moments of silence, I spoke up again. "I hate myself for not being strong enough..." I whispered under my breath.
"I should be strong enough," I said louder. "I should be strong enough to fight for myself. I shouldn't be dependent upon anyone. I should be strong enough to do it by myself. I should be strong enough not to depend on anyone either. I should be stronger than this...strong enough to protect my family and friends..."
As I kept repeating these words, I knew that it wasn't true. I could only protect myself and my family. I didn't have enough strength to protect them. I couldn't protect anyone.
"I want to protect them," I admitted quietly. "I want to protect my mom and dad. I want to protect my brothers and sisters. I want to protect my friends."
"And I want to help her," I said softly. "I want to help her, but I can't. And it scares me that she'll leave and I can't stop her. I can't stop her from leaving me. It makes me scared. What if she doesn't come back? What if she hates me? What if she leaves forever? What if I never see her again? What if I lose her? She loves me. I know she does. I've always known that. She wouldn't just leave."
I sniffed and tried to control myself. I knew tears were streaming down my cheeks. The emotions I'd been suppressing finally burst through my walls.
"What am I supposed to do? Why would she just leave? Why would she do something like that? Is she really that selfish? Does she not love me? Does she not care? Did I ever really matter to her? Am I the only reason she left?"
Tears flowed down my cheeks freely. As I wiped them away, I noticed that my hand was shaking. Was that caused by the fact I was crying or was it caused by anxiety? I didn't know. All I knew was that it hurt and it hurt badly.
"How am I supposed to survive without her? How will I eat if I starve? How will I shower if I'm cold? How will I breathe if I can't breathe? How will I sleep when I feel like dying?! How can I live without her?" I sobbed and continued to speak. "How can I function if I can't feel her here? How can I function when I can't feel her near me?! I can't. Not anymore!"
My body started to shake violently. I grabbed the blankets and buried my face into them trying to stop the shaking. My entire body shook and I cried loudly and uncontrollably. Tears fell from my eyes and onto my bed sheets. I couldn' t stop crying.
I thought about what my mum used to say every time she saw me cry. 'Don't cry.' she would say. 'You'll just make yourself feel worse.'
The words seemed to echo in my ears. And yet I still listened. I didn't understand why she would say such things but it seemed like something she did all the time. Maybe she was right. I hadn't realised until now how painful it felt to cry alone. Now that she wasn't there, it felt much more difficult to continue doing so. I didn't know what I could do to make myself feel better. I didn't know what I could do to prevent myself from crying. I didn't know how to deal with all the pain and sadness. My chest ached painfully and the pain spread throughout my whole body. I couldn't breathe properly and I had trouble concentrating on anything.
I just sat there in complete misery and confusion. I didn't know how to handle the emotions that were surging through my body. I wished I didn't feel so powerless. I wished I didn't feel like I couldn't do anything for myself. I hated feeling this way. I wanted to feel happy and healthy. I wanted to feel loved. But no matter how hard I tried I could never feel normal again. Nothing I did was good enough.
I was tired. Exhausted.
I felt so numb and empty. My thoughts were swirling around my head. I couldn't focus on any single thing I was thinking. I didn't know what to think. I didn't know what to do.
All of the sudden, my phone buzzed and lit up my desk. It took me a couple of minutes to figure out what to do. Once I did I picked it up and unlocked it.
I smiled.
The smile soon turned into a frown.
The text read.
My brow furrowed. What does he mean by that? What does he want? Should I ask him? What should I do?
"Are you awake?"
I jumped and dropped my phone onto my bed before turning towards my door.
"Sorry," My brother sheepishly laughed.
"No worries," I sighed.
He came and sat down beside me. He placed a gentle hand on my shoulder. His hand was warm, soothing, and comforting. It reminded me of the hugs my parents gave me when I was upset. "Can I talk to you?" He asked.
"Sure," I shrugged.
"I'm sorry...for yelling at you earlier."
"That's alright."
"No, it's not."
"What do you mean?"
"It's just...you're always trying to comfort me. Even though I told you not to try to. You try to make things better for me and that annoys me sometimes. I don't appreciate it. I get annoyed when you try to be like my mother. Or your father. I'm sure you know that. Sometimes I wish you didn't act like them. Sometimes I feel like you don't need to be so kind and caring to me. I guess I'm too sensitive for that."
His words surprised me. That was unexpected. I didn't expect him to say any of those things. I was expecting him to be angry. He looked very sad and upset. This is what happened when he became emotional.
"I know you probably don't feel that way," He mumbled. "It's okay. I know you are just looking out for me and trying to help me. I know you want to help me. I know you love me. Don't worry. I'm okay now."
"But what I said was really rude," I said. "I didn't mean it like that."
"No. It's fine. It's what I said and what I meant. I know what you meant. I understand how you feel, Em. I'm not offended by your comments. I know you weren't trying to insult me. If you did it intentionally then you were actually insulting yourself. You shouldn't feel guilty because I told you not to try to fix me. I'm not broken. I'm not broken inside. I'm broken inside because someone decided it would be a great idea to break my heart instead of just healing it."
I didn't know what to say to him. I didn't know how to respond. It was rare for us to communicate in such a serious manner. Usually we would joke around with each other while trying to convince each other that we were fine. But we couldn't talk normally like that. There was tension in the air. It didn't help that I felt extremely uncomfortable sitting next to him.
"Do you think they will let me go home after today?" I questioned as I looked out of the window.
"I don't know."
"Will you be coming home with me?"
He paused for a moment. I waited anxiously for his response.
He finally answered, "I think they might. I haven't talked to them about it yet."
"Is it okay if I stay here tonight?"
"Of course. We don't have anything planned tomorrow anyways. So it's all set. Are you going to be okay by yourself?"
"Yeah...yeah I will be," I nodded.
We sat in silence for several minutes. Eventually my brother sighed.
"You know, I'm worried about you."
"Why?" I asked nervously.
"Because you haven't been talking to anyone lately. You haven't spoken to anyone except for me since you found out about what's happening. You haven't gone out and made friends. You aren't eating. You hardly talk to anyone. You're not sleeping. You're depressed. It looks like you might be suicidal," He stated bluntly.
I sighed heavily. He had a point. But I didn't know what else I could do. I was helpless. I couldn't do anything. I could only watch helplessly and wait for my life to start.
"I'm going to tell mom and dad about what happened," He said after another few seconds.
I nodded. I didn't think he'd bring it up but I wasn't surprised. He always did whatever he could to help me even if it upset him.
"I'm going to be honest with them."
My eyes widened slightly. I wasn't sure how I would react. I didn't want my family to know. I didn't want to give them false hope. I didn't want them to be disappointed. I didn't want them to feel bad for me when they found out. I didn't want them to hate me. I didn't want them to leave.
"Emilia," He spoke softly.
I stared up at him in shock.
"They care about you. They won't leave you. I know they love you. They won't. I won't either. Mom, dad, and I are going to support you through this. It's going to be tough, Em, but I promise you it'll be okay."
I sighed deeply before nodding once again. I looked away. A tear rolled down my cheek. I couldn't stop it.
I closed my eyes and wiped the tear away quickly before it fell. I opened my eyes and looked up at him.
"Thank you," I whispered.
"Don't thank me. I'm only telling the truth. You deserve the truth," He replied.
"Thanks," I repeated.
After a moment of silence I stood up slowly.
"Goodnight," I muttered.
"Night."
I shut my door softly behind me and walked over to my bed. I crawled under the covers and rested against the backboard. The bed dipped as my brother climbed into it and laid on the other side. He wrapped his arms around me and squeezed gently. I felt his chin rest on my head and sighed lightly.
"You're my best friend," He whispered.
I didn't reply. I didn't need to. After everything he had told me, after everything I knew he was going to do for me, after everything I had seen and experienced from him these past couple of weeks, I knew one thing for certain. He was my brother. He cared about me. He cared about me more than most people ever would. He was there for me when I needed him the most. He never pushed me to do anything I was uncomfortable with. Whenever I asked him for help, he would help me. He wouldn't force himself onto me and take advantage of my weak moments. All of these things helped me to trust him even though he hadn't always been perfect and always had his problems.
But I knew deep down that I trusted him. And I knew he trusted me too. No matter how difficult things got or how badly I struggled, he was there for me. I knew I could count on him. That was why I didn't hesitate when I reached out to him. I didn't hesitate when I asked him for help or when I needed a hug. He was my older brother and I always knew he would always be there for me.
Even though our relationship was rocky for many years, we've managed to work everything out. Our relationship has become strong, stronger than it ever was in high school. We're closer now. It's easier to speak to each other than it used to be. We still fight. Sometimes we yell. Sometimes we scream at each other. Sometimes we argue. But we always come back to each other. We always look out for each other. Always try to understand each other. And no matter how much trouble we get into or how stubborn we can both be sometimes, we always try to make it right between us. We're brothers after all. Brothers are supposed to look out for each other. We're suppose to protect each other. And no matter how hard it gets I know that I will always have him.
As long as I have him.
* * *
The next day was Sunday. The morning started off like any other. I woke early. I took a shower and made some breakfast. Then I went downstairs to get ready for school. My mum and dad were already up. Mum was making breakfast and Dad was fixing a cup of coffee. When they heard the doorbell ring they smiled and called for me to get the door. I hurried down the stairs and answered the door. I turned the handle and opened the door.
"Morning!" I exclaimed as I spotted my favourite person walking into the house.
"Morning, Emilia!" He smiled.
"Come on in," I stepped aside to allow him to enter. "How are you? Are you feeling better?"
"Much better. Thank you so much for asking," He replied happily.
"What's up with the smile?" I questioned curiously.
"Oh! You know what. I'm just really happy. Things are getting better. Everything is getting better."
"Are you still mad at me?"
"No." He laughed. "You don't need to apologise anymore."
"Oh thank goodness," I sighed in relief. "When am I going to see you tomorrow?"
"Tomorrow night. Is seven okay? I will pick you up after school."
"Seven works for me."
"Great. See you tomorrow, Emilia," He grinned.
"See you tomorrow, Josh," I responded with a grin of my own.
Josh and I have always been close. We were always together. Even after we grew up. We were inseparable. We loved spending time together. I missed spending time with him. He was my closest friend, but I missed seeing him everyday. I thought it would help me cope with the situation but it didn't. It just made it worse. The fact that I was alone again scared me. I couldn't stand being by myself. I hated being by myself. Being alone was always scary. Being by myself made me anxious. Being alone was dangerous. But if I didn't hang out with him then everything would be so much harder. I couldn't risk it. If I didn't hang out with him I was afraid of what would happen. And I was always so anxious. This time I had no distractions. I could never hide from myself. It was like my mind was screaming at me. What if something happens? What if someone finds out? What if they hurt you? What if they don't? What if someone sees you crying and comes up to you? What if they hear what you're saying? What if? What if? What if? What if what?
This was exactly what I was worried about. Because everyone always finds out what I say. Everyone always hears what I say. Nobody ever listens to me anyway. Why would they? Sooner or later they will find out. Sooner or later everyone will find out what I'm doing. Sooner or later someone will realize I don't fit in here. Sooner or later someone will realise I'm weird and freak me out. Sooner or later something horrible is going to happen. Sooner or later I'll be forced to kill someone. Maybe I should just get myself killed? Then I won't have to keep pretending. But I couldn't do that either. Because I promised myself that I wouldn't die until I was eighteen. Until I was 18 then I wouldn't have to pretend anymore.
And I wasn't going to die. Not unless I wanted to. I decided to ignore what was worrying me. I ignored what I didn't want to face. I ignored everything and put my focus on my siblings and my family. I couldn't let anyone find out about my thoughts and feelings. If they found out, then things would go really wrong. I couldn't let anyone find out. Because if they found out they would probably hate me more than they already do. I couldn't lose my brothers. I couldn't lose my parents. And especially not my sister. She's the last thing I want to lose.
So I did my best to ignore everything and focused on my family. It worked a little bit, I guess. For two months. Two months of ignoring the problem that kept bothering me. Of avoiding it and hiding it. It worked for two months and I thought I was doing pretty good with it. I was able to ignore things for two whole months. But then everything happened.
I mean everything.
Chapter 5
I watched from outside in the distance as I listened to the twins talk. We were having a sleepover today. My friends were coming over. My parents said it was alright since they know how annoying I can be when I'm trying to act nice. They also offered to watch the twins. I wanted to spend time with them because I missed them so much. Plus, I haven't seen them in ages. I'm sure they're bored without me there. I don't think they've slept in a room alone in three days. They're probably exhausted. They're probably missing me.
"You need to eat lunch, Emilia. You haven't eaten in like two days. Do you even know how much you're losing weight?" Mum demanded as she tried to push her food in front of me.
She was right though. I did need to eat but I wasn't hungry at the moment. I was too nervous to eat. There's no way I was actually going to do this. I knew I had to. I wasn't going to chicken out, not like I usually do. I took a piece of chicken from her plate and began chewing slowly. I knew I didn't want to do this. I felt like I might throw up or pass out or cry. Or worse yet, maybe both.
I swallowed and tried my best to appear calm. I looked at her and gave her a small nod before grabbing a few fries. She gave me a warm smile as she took a sip of water. I took another bite of my chicken and closed my eyes.
"Ems, I'm serious. Just eat. You're going to throw your dinner away if you don't eat soon," Dad sighed.
"Don't worry. I'll eat when I get home," I mumbled.
"It's important that you eat. Especially now with what's happening," Mum warned me.
"I'm sorry. I just can't eat right now," I shook my head sadly.
Mum sighed heavily and looked at me sympathetically. Dad frowned and furrowed his eyebrows at me. His eyes narrowed slightly and he tilted his head to the side.
"Are you sure?" He questioned quietly. "Because I know you. And it looks like there's something else bothering you. Something else that's keeping you awake. Maybe it'll give you the energy you need to get through your lunch. And if it doesn't then we can stop for the day and you can take a nap."
"No, it's alright. Really. I promise," I smiled. "I'm fine. Don't worry about me."
"Alright..." Dad trailed off.
We sat there in silence as I ate my chicken and fries. After I was finished I stood up, grabbed my bag, walked towards the door and left the apartment. It was only when I got outside that I realized how bad I felt. My stomach was churning and my legs felt heavy. Everything felt like it was spinning around me. I leaned against the wall and slid down to the ground. I brought my knees to my chest and buried my face in them. I felt so dizzy. I didn't know how much longer I could hold myself up. I didn't know whether I could even walk.
My thoughts raced inside my head while I waited for my vision to stop spinning. I didn't move until my body became numb from sitting on the cold concrete floor. I slowly rose up to my feet and began walking along the pavement. I stared at the ground as I walked slowly.
10.19.22